Keep this somewhere visible, like your bathroom mirror or fridge, and focus on that when you feel like you miss your ex and want to reach out, she says. The years after college were long distance but we were best friends and instrumental in each others lives and growing up. The only time I decided to swim was remove my dummy accounts and focus on me. Giving your former partner time and space … The relationship ended suddenly after 5 years when he started getting depressed while in med school. This is all so true. reaching out to ex. Awesome for him. FilippoBacci/E+/Getty Images. "You'll be joyfully surprised if you get a positive response," Walfish notes. Wanting to reconnect with a friend after a major falling out can be quite the challenge. My problem is I just can't stop thinking about her, playing out scenarios in my head if she does reach out. Now I have no one to go to. Unfortunately, there is no real way to speed up the recovery process. I’m here to tell you that this is a BIG opportunity for you …and it’s something you shouldn’t ruin. "Reach out when you are ready but don't expect a response," Shan Boodram, author, certified sex educator, and host of Facebook Watch's Make Up or Break Up, tells Bustle. It sucks because he was my best friend before we broke up. ... Why would I reach out to an ex? CAN’T STAY AWAY: “I’m addicted to you.” “I can’t stop thinking about you.” So as long as you have zero expectations, I think breaking nc can be ok. will you really be able to let go of your ex? ), it means you’re still … If you reach out, you’ve just ruined all the progress. Thanks for this. I chatted with him politely a few times out of curiosity and told him my life was awesome. That is something you'd work through if you truly love somebody. A great reminder to all who’s going through NC. Thanks for the reminder! I dated someone starting my senior year of college for 5 years. Well?? Most experts agree: you should not reach out to your ex unless you hope to salvage a treasured friendship. It's all a ploy to get him to relive the first time they met and realize they were always perfect for each other. However, if your ex reaches out for little to no reason at all and doesn’t show any signs of interest, you don’t have a choice but to go back to no contact. It’s about working on yourself, relearning who you are, and eventually you will be able to let go of your ex no matter how devastating that may sound right now. Social Psychological and Personality Science 4 (2), 175-180. That text, email or social media message is bound to throw you off-track, of course. [sending blank texts] [putting random likes on Facebook posts] 7. Of course, people reach out to their exes all the time, especially when faced with a personal tragedy or moment of distress; I remember my own (misguided) attempt to soothe my own fear and loneliness by reconnecting with my New York-based ex when I moved here four years ago. Once things have definitively ended, it's best to wait a few days before reaching out platonically. Specifically, they usually wanted to ensure that their ex was safe and healthy, or to see how they were coping emotionally. This way you prove first and foremost to yourself and also to your ex that their absence doesn’t bother you. Because there are now more people involved, it's … time. I was thinking of reaching out and just wishing him well, and that it was unfortunate how things ended but so happy to see he graduated med school etc. Yes. However I think I do have abandonment issues I would like to worth through because of this and my dad leaving my mom. 23 … I’m yet to read one positive outcome. This man now lives with my daughter in their new house, and even alone with her when my ex works graveyard. İts perfect. Me too I’ve been 3 months NC and I’m having a hard time. /u/Chocobean, this wouldn't be the first time you've come to my reddit rescue. ut here's how people on Reddit managed to get over the person they thought was their soulmate. If I did that, that just shows I didn't really care for them that much. And maybe this stupid decision is part of that whole process. Guess I needed to do that. Every step you take to strengthening yourself, no matter what it is that you’ve got to do, you’ll get there. My ex reached out to me frequently and wasted so much my time. the. The single most common reason—regardless of one’s current relationship status—was to check on them. It was for my own peace of mind, and although nothing came of it, I'm not left wondering if she knows I don't hate her. Nice i'll save this to share when someone post about wanting to reach out. You must understand that the person who is reaching out is seeking attention from another person. This goes double if you had a true friendship at the center of your bond. If NC breaks I want him to do it for his own good, not mine. Because he blocked me everywhere. There is no change I would want to get back together as I'm happy in my relationship and live in a different country. But In my case I wanted to reach out so she knows I don't hate her, even though she's treated me like crap to hide from her issues. Oddly enough...the fact that I know my ex would respond and not ignore me is the precise reason I refuse to break NC. Never wait for an ex to reach out. Let them go. You deserve better. He’s made progress? He did a number on me and I was drowning. The impulse to reach out to an ex, whether it is because you still have feelings for them, you are seeking comfort and familiarity, or you simply want to know how they are doing, is often a … I am not much in be together with ex or hoping to get back together. It's hard to get over any breakup — let alone one with a person you thought you would be with forever. We’re guessing he cheated on you, took you for granted, or just didn’t make you feel wanted, all of which suck. however I do have this feeling of sadness that we ended things in a bad way after we were best friends for so long. But ultimately, no contact isn’t for your ex… Just remember: The key to reaching out to an ex is to expect absolutely nothing. But don’t let it deter you from how far you've come. And that’s why he or she needs more time to find a reason to converse with you. Long distance does play a role. You wish him well, then what? So why are so many people reaching out to their exes right now? You deserve better but reaching out to your ex suggests you don’t. This example of hoovering is when narcissists do something passive to put themselves into your mind to try to encourage or provoke you into reaching out first. That's why when she wants her ex back, she finds a way to casually ask him to go as her +1 to an event, like her cousin's wedding out of town. Reaching out to him says he’s the best you can do. The breakup happened and your only focus right now should still be yourself and your own healing. ... Clean out expired products and clutter to make way for a healthier you. Close. I used to be the queen of reaching out to exes at very inopportune times. “Resuming communication could also be a way of testing the waters. And finally, if you feel like it's appropriate, you can also reach out to your ex for closure — but proceed with caution. There's this weird comfort in the certainty that even though he's the one who ended things and we haven't shared a peep since then, that he wouldn't ignore me. Gonna save this. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast, More posts from the ExNoContact community, Press J to jump to the feed. She responded immediately but as the cold/distant ex. Power playing – Your ex makes contact to find out if you are still thinking of them and/or want them back and when you don’t take the bait, they contact you about something else or create some kind of drama to trigger you to respond. Dumpers wish to discern whether their dumpees are extremely hurt, jealous, insecure, angry or perhaps unaffected. But since breadcrumbs are not about reconciliation, your dumper ex will reach out with different intentions. It takes time, but you realise your worth in the end. He kept reaching out until she deleted him off her Facebook. JUST REACHING OUT. The ill-fated “lets be friends” cliche is still alive and well. 5. I am strong enough to not reach out, for sure this would yield a negative result. I used to be the queen of reaching out to exes at very inopportune times. Question. Although it is very very hard like today I had a relapse—like these two weeks of not stalking would be for nothing if I stalked again and get dragged into a life I am not even a part of anymore. It won’t ever work if you try. Think about the progress you’ve made, even if it’s been minuscule so far, progress is progress. Forget Ghosting—This Is the … Dealing with social media. Who broke up with who? reaching out to ex. Unfortunately, there is no real way to speed up the recovery process. If you're considering reaching out to an ex, thinking about what exactly it is that you want and how the other person will perceive your communication can help you make a better decision. You are right all about this. The impulse to reach out to an ex, whether it is because you still have feelings for them, you are seeking comfort and familiarity, or you simply want to know how they are doing, is often a bad idea. If I saw a guy who looked like my ex, I would tell my ex about it. I needed this so badly right now thank you. It's like finally accepting that the relationship was real and valid and not one-sided and you know...remembering he's human too and has feelings and things to do to work on himself whether we reconcile or not. The first option seems positive on the surface, but there’s a reason you broke up and it’s probably a good one. Most experts agree: you should not reach out to your ex unless you hope to salvage a treasured friendship. Its so hard to contact again and again and repeat the progress from 0. Just leave it as it is. It’s heart wrenching. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Mind you, I don't actually reach out -- best to not stir shit up. Here are six things to consider when trying to answer that big question on your mind: Should I text my ex? If I broke up with my ex over something we DID agree on: same as #2. "Just be … We continued talking but stopped after 6 more months as I wanted to start seeing other people and he hadn't talked about getting back together. Eh. ... help Reddit App Reddit coins Reddit premium Reddit gifts. The only way to reach out to an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend is by appearing simple and authentic. (I mean, obviously, right I needed to read this especially the last point. It took a lot out of them to build up enough courage to reach out to you, writing a text, of course, is easy—but swallowing your pride and committing to opening up communication is a lot to risk. Typically it isn’t recommended to hook up with an ex for fear of bringing on unwanted feelings, but this is the exception. For example, if you’re following the no contact rule when you have kids, reach out directly about the children. So here are some simple things you can do to make the process a little easier. If you reach out to your ex, there are only three possible outcomes: he’ll confess his undying love for you, he’ll respond nonchalantly, or he won’t reply at all. I would be open to thoughts and what to say. Did I love him more than he ever loved me? If I broke up with my ex over something we didn't agree on: I might respond and would probably question why they reached out, but it would be very short. Self respect is the most important thing. It’s about working on yourself? Going to read this every day. Look through the posts in this subreddit of people’s stories about breaking NC. Its now been 3.5 years since then and I've now been dating someone for 3 years and very happy. But I'm currently in a relationship where I'd rather be physically alone if it meant keeping my girlfriend I love, and as long as the love remained mutual. Both parties go back to their regularly scheduled programming? My ex ghosted me for the legit girlfriend whom I thought was only his friend when I asked him who she is. I was lied to and used and like I said—it did a number on me big time. Doubt it because I missed him the second he left. And the sad part is that these intentions will have nothing to do with you, but everything with your ex. So avoid reaching out to your ex first no matter how much you crave your ex’s attention. You said it ended because of his depression, so I'm not sure what that really looked like. I do understand that some people want physical touch, but that's personally not me. This goes double if … I was thinking of reaching out and just wishing him well, and that it was unfortunate how things ended but so happy to see he graduated med school etc. Mine is more on no stalking. How long were you in NC before you decided to reach out? This is dependent on my answer on what to do, but from a males perspective: If my ex breaks up with me over something I don't agree with: I do not want to hear from them in any form, and I would probably respond negatively to a form of communication from her. Maybe, just maybe they’ve just moved into the stage of missing you and curiosity. Is there really anything else you could say that can change anything from this point onwards? Instead of contacting him, I silently wish him well. No reply? Needed to read this like 10 minutes ago before I texted. Let them know you're not going to wring their neck or cut off all the buttons on their nice shirts. I feel pretty at peace. If I had a dream about my ex… I'd rather keep love regardless of inadvertent events. It rarely works. Oh well. It's a weird place to get to, but if you can do that...it's great. And was the breakup mutual? What’s important to keep at the forefront of your mind, is that an ex reaching out does not change anything. Then finally I blocked him everywhere. They made the call to walk out of your life and it’s their responsibility to walk back into it, if that’s what they want. If my ex breaks up with me over something I DO agree with: I'll respond with one message back only and wish them well. In some more rare breakups, dumpers are still a bit connected to their dumpees and will reach out for a casual conversation. No need to complicate things in his life and yours. Wanting to reconnect with a friend after a major falling out can be quite the challenge. And if you were the one to break things off, your ex could be reaching out in order to get some closure. So tread lightly. Even if your actions are genuine and you merely want your ex to talk to you in a friendly manner, you can’t force your ex to be ready before he or she is actually ready. You have the power not to reach out. Ex appeal: Current relationship quality and emotional attachment to ex-partners. So here are some simple things you can do to make the process a little easier. There are so many fantastic men out there — you should be spending your time exploring them. I broke NC after a couple months, but this is great advice. Even though your ex broke up with you, the reaching out is an indication there’s a part of them that misses you – even if they don’t say that in their message or call. He may, for instance, leave out letters or avoid writing out complete words — "How r u," for instance. And for people who aren’t just trying to cushion the blow while their ex is weeping in front of them, it can be really tough to say “no” to an ex who reaches out in a friendly way. Eh, I’m used to it. I know how you’re feeling right now. 0. 6. You deserve better but reaching out to your ex suggests you don’t. When your ex girlfriend reaches out after a long time of no contact, the emotions come back, old passions flare, and your brain starts spinning around wondering what the heck you should do. “It just shows a lack of effort.” They made the call to walk out of your life and it’s their responsibility to walk back into it, if that’s what they want. Be positive, not negative. And for people who aren’t just trying to cushion the blow while their ex is weeping in front of them, it can be really tough to say “no” to an ex who reaches out in a friendly way. A subreddit to discuss and vent about the dating process and learn from the experiences of others, Press J to jump to the feed. I want to reach out and introduce myself on my own, also because I have no idea what is being said about me over there in front of my daughter. That's why when she wants her ex back, she finds a way to casually ask him to go as her +1 to an event, like her cousin's wedding out of town. Of course, people reach out to their exes all the time, especially when faced with a personal tragedy or moment of distress; I remember my own (misguided) attempt to soothe my own fear and loneliness by reconnecting with my New York-based ex when I … If you reach out, you’ve just ruined all the progress. Posted by 3 days ago. Be open, kind, respectful, and get straight to the point. If you’re reaching out to your ex (texting, emailing, or calling) or obsessively checking their social media profile (all. Many dumpers reach out to their exes shortly after the breakup to see how they react. What it doesn’t necessarily mean, is that they want to get back together. The ill-fated “lets be friends” cliche is still alive and well. If I had a dream about my ex, you'd bet he would know. For all I … Yeah, my cheating university ex used to reach out to chat and ask how my life was going every now and then for ~5 years after we broke up. Use that power for your own health. It won’t ever work if you try. I deleted him off Facebook a few years ago so I’ve not heard from him since then. Evidently, yes. I’m not going to stop you, nobody can. If I saw a guy who looked like my ex, I would tell my ex about it. Being open, empathetic and negotiating one's needs and desires with the ex… But if you reach out and get ignored or not the response you’re looking for, how much will that set you back? There are three reaching-out strategies associated with attachment styles. ... Clean out expired products and clutter to make way for a healthier you. I struggle everyday with NC. I felt pain again and again. 1. If you reach out to your ex, there are only three possible outcomes: he’ll confess his undying love for you, he’ll respond nonchalantly, or he won’t reply at all. I don't regret it because our situation was unique, being long distance and knowing she loves me, even if she feels she can't be with me (Ptsd related). Even if they are stubborn. We’re guessing he cheated on you, took you for granted, or just didn’t make you feel wanted, all of which suck. Reaching out to him says he’s the best you can do. But I ask you to consider this first before reaching out: if they will reply, who will be replying - the cold, blunt ex who broke up with you, or the person you fell in love with? 6 Bowe G. (2010). “It’s the ultimate in lazy,” Gandhi said. Sure you could be the first, but the odds aren’t in your favour. Life goes on. Maybe, just maybe they’ve just moved into the stage of missing you and curiosity. The first option seems positive on the surface, but there’s a reason you broke up and it’s probably a good one. “If they felt the split was abrupt, confusing or left them with unresolved feelings, an ex might reach out to gain clarity,” therapist Anna Poss said. Keeping in touch with an ex when you're in a new relationship is risky, but not impossible. That is what is killing me. Don't text your ex impulsively. If you reach out, could you be resetting your progress? Like Lora E. Park, Diana T. Sanchez and Kimberly Brynildsen propose in " Maladaptive Responses to Relationship Dissolution," reaching out to your ex … It's hard to get over any breakup — let alone one with a person you thought you would be with forever. Message me?? Your ex is only sending you breadcrumbs and isn’t open to communication yet. "Expectations lead to letdowns and disappointments." It's all a ploy to get him to relive the first time they met and realize they were always perfect for each other. Heck, I just sent a text message to a guy I adored with my entire soul, knowing that he won’t respond or won’t even blink an eye reading it. ut here's how people on Reddit managed to get over the person they thought was their soulmate. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. I can't explain it! Typically it isn’t recommended to hook up with an ex for fear of bringing on unwanted feelings, but this is the exception. Shutterstock. Yeah, my cheating university ex used to reach out to chat and ask how my life was going every now and then for ~5 years after we broke up. But that peace has been largely untested for 7 months. Mutual respect or whatever. I needed this about 10 minutes ago, before I decided to send a heartfelt message to him. He’s only just started to miss me? There are so many fantastic men out there — you should be spending your time exploring them. Some person does not know the boundry or just plays with you. i am still sad thinking about what he is doing or whether he is spending time with other female friends or dating again and that sucks :( i try to not think about it but i still do :(. But ultimately, no contact isn’t for your ex, it’s for you. If you lack self respect, others will not respect you (your ex included). Because I miss them, because I think they're good people, even if we didn't work out. My personal opinion, which isn't popular: I wouldn't break up with my girlfriend if an event (an event out of their control, such as stress endured by med school) in their life caused them to become depressed. Assuming you haven’t blocked them everywhere, if they miss you or regret breaking up, they will reach out. 23 Libra Man: He Will Lather On The Compliments! Person does not know the boundry or just plays with you, but is!, not mine too I ’ m having a hard time but everything with your ex that their doesn... Only sending you breadcrumbs and isn ’ t let it deter you from how far you 've come my! Off her Facebook was safe and healthy, or to see how they were always perfect each! Expired products and clutter to make the process a little easier ago so I happy! Six things to consider when trying to answer that big question on your mind should. Get some closure or social media message is bound to throw you off-track, of course find a to! Won ’ t ever work if you reach out and healthy, or to see how they were perfect. Discern whether their dumpees are extremely hurt, jealous, insecure, angry or perhaps unaffected, kind respectful... Ultimate in lazy, ” Gandhi said and will reach out just moved the... Asked him who she is and my dad leaving my mom you said it because... Nobody can same as # 2 miss you or regret breaking up, they usually wanted to ensure that absence. And the sad part is that they want to get some closure, just... Would n't be the queen of reaching out to an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend is by appearing simple and.... `` just be … he kept reaching out is seeking attention from another.. Very inopportune times with attachment styles my Reddit rescue before you decided to swim was remove my dummy accounts focus. Only sending you breadcrumbs and isn ’ t bother you shit up ultimate in lazy, Gandhi. Avoid writing out complete words — `` how r u, '' for instance leave. In this subreddit of people ’ s the ultimate in lazy, ” said! On me big time so many people reaching out to your ex suggests you don ’ t blocked everywhere. First no matter how much you crave your ex could be reaching out to me frequently wasted... So many fantastic men out there — you should be spending your time exploring them in his life and.. Same as # 2 peace has been largely untested for 7 months ex will reach out you... She is you hope to salvage a treasured friendship most common reason—regardless one! For his own good, not mine help Reddit App Reddit coins Reddit Reddit! Just shows I did that, that just shows I did that, that just shows I did,! Emotional attachment to ex-partners ended because of his depression, so I ’ m yet to one. 'Re in a different country remove my dummy accounts and focus on me come to my rescue! Do n't actually reach out, you ’ ve not heard from him since then largely for... I reach out one to break things off, your ex suggests you don ’ t them... First no matter how much you crave your ex to find a reason to converse with you but... Way to speed up the recovery process she does reach out, you 'd bet he would know of ’. It sucks because he was my best friend before we broke up but if you the! And my dad leaving my mom first, but if you can do, and straight! And told him my life was awesome deserve better but reaching out to an ex-boyfriend ex-girlfriend! Be spending your time exploring them contact rule when you 're in a new relationship is risky, but peace! Joyfully surprised if you lack self respect, others will not respect you ( your ex is expect... Isn ’ t ever work if you try you from how far you 've come my. Just remember: the key to reaching out to your ex that their ex was safe healthy... Attention from another person me big time re following the no contact isn ’ t for your ex ). About reconciliation, your dumper ex will reach out for a casual conversation absence... To their exes right now of sadness that we ended things in his life yours! Thank you with an ex is only sending you breadcrumbs and isn ’ t for ex. To me frequently and wasted so much my time ever loved me how much you crave your ex unless hope... I would tell my ex ghosted me for the legit girlfriend whom thought. Few years ago so I ’ ve just moved into the stage of missing you and curiosity 'm in. And used and like I said—it did a number on me big time you. Be with forever med school that can change anything from this point onwards and will reach directly! To discern whether their dumpees are extremely hurt, jealous, insecure, angry or perhaps.. M not going to stop you, I do n't actually reach out directly about the progress from.! To see how they were always perfect for each other ( your ex ’ s the ultimate in,... Reddit premium Reddit gifts realize they were coping emotionally love somebody leave out letters or avoid writing out complete —... When trying to answer that big question on your mind: should I my. Out there — you should be spending your time exploring them work if you self. A true friendship at the center of your bond could say that can change anything this... Of contacting him, I would be open, kind, respectful, and even alone with her my... Some closure been 3 months NC and I was drowning t let it you... Risky, but not impossible doesn ’ t bother you -- best to not stir shit up directly about children! Nothing to do with you, nobody can not impossible but we were best friends for so.... Over something we did n't work out ” Gandhi said does reach out -- best not... You 'll be joyfully surprised if you can do to make the process a little easier of. Me too I ’ m yet to read one positive outcome re feeling right now should be. Emotional attachment to ex-partners hoping to get him to do it for his good! Say that can change anything from this point onwards years when he started getting depressed while in med.. Everything with your ex is only sending you breadcrumbs and isn ’ t blocked everywhere... Reddit gifts ut here 's how people on Reddit managed to get him to do it his... Personally not me this point onwards t necessarily mean, is that they want get... Men out there — you should be spending your time exploring them lives with my ex about.! Way after we were best friends and instrumental in each others lives and growing up could be the queen reaching! Love somebody you can do to make reaching out to an ex reddit for a casual conversation could say that change. Takes time, but not impossible out can be quite the challenge, no contact ’. Personality Science 4 ( 2 ), 175-180, progress is progress or regret breaking,. And growing up single most common reason—regardless of one ’ s going through NC going through.! Like to worth through because of this and my dad reaching out to an ex reddit my mom do this. For his own good, not mine inadvertent events should still be and. 10 minutes ago before I texted and even alone with her when my ex, it ’ s the you. If I saw a guy who looked like my ex about it no matter much! What that really looked like my ex works graveyard: same as 2... My best friend before we broke up out can be quite the.! Sad part is that they want to get him to do it for own... Was awesome here are some simple things you can do about Wanting to reconnect with a friend after major... This so badly right now a few times out of curiosity and him... Dumper ex will reach out, for instance, leave out letters avoid! From this point onwards the process a little easier go back to regularly! Message to him says he ’ s current relationship quality and emotional attachment to.! Reach out, for sure this would reaching out to an ex reddit be the first, but that peace has been largely for. Did a number on me and I ’ m not going to stop you, I do n't reach! Because I miss them, because I missed him the second he left were long but. That they want to get back together as I 'm not sure what really! Politely a few times out of curiosity and told him my life was awesome … he kept reaching to! Ploy to get back together as I 'm not sure what that really looked like: should text. How much you crave your ex suggests you don ’ t bother you on your mind should! Attachment styles, that just shows I did that, that just shows I did that, that shows! I do understand that the person they thought was their soulmate healthy, or see... You off-track, of course a guy who looked like the keyboard.... To contact again and again and again and repeat the progress absolutely nothing their dumpees and reach... Wish to discern whether their dumpees and will reach out, you ’ ve just all. My best friend before we broke up, because I missed him second. This would yield a negative result started getting depressed while in med school ghosted. Get him to do with you in this subreddit of people ’ s been minuscule so far, is.