But the parenting relationship should never end…there will be graduations, weddings, grandchildren…this is a fact of life. - YouTube If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account. He is a guy, we think with our penis', of course he is going to try to attract women in his life. Excellent reminder. That’s why deciding whether your ex might want you back is a little like reading a foreign language with no translation. At least not until some time has passed and his emotions have calmed down. It's also important, especially for the romantics out there, to realize that just because you and your ex … I think he finally got it through his thick skull and he calmed down. You may not want to, but really leaning in and feeling your emotions is integral to letting go of an ex. I've to say, it depends on girl's characteristics. If not, be honest so that you can both move on once and for all. I need to make something clear. It took ten years. Fashion See All Fashion . Skin Care Uniquely You Fashion. the stress has been overwhelming. 6 cute, non-boring ways to tie a scarf ... Weird things we ALL do when an ex starts dating someone new. Is he trying to just get some, rebel against the relationship we had? Civil and polite can do the trick and save everyone lots of aggravation. Another reason why there’s hostility between the stepcouple and the ex is because some exspouses are frankly NOT healthy, happy, or stable people. Mindy Gold. The fact is that all stepcouples have to learn to maximize what they have…the partner of their dreams?? Thanks again for the article–I hope it will help lots of women. There are those exes, however, who are less determined to ruin your lives, but they can still get to you. Licensed Professional Counselor Learn how your comment data is processed. Being a stepmother is one humbling proposition. Before you decide if and/or how you’d like to engage with an ex who’s returned, it’s important to understand the various reasons why this person may have come back in the first place. It doesn't mean that I will allow him back into my life or that I want him back. That is the reality and it is pointless to get in a power struggle with Reality. She never cheated but did things behind my back and i stopped trusting her. But finally he realized that this compromise–I’ll be happy with him if he’ll let me avoid them–sort of works. Often the new stepcouple bears the brunt of these unresolved emotional problems… sad to say. So, instead of an admonishment to grow up, what if we begin to make a “10 ways too keep your self-image intact” list so that we can understand the dynamics and move on with the task of feeling okay and helping support our husbands in their relationships with their kids? Any past boyfriends....I DO NOT CARE. He/She Shows Up At Places When You're There. . I went NC though we have talked a little over the last 2 weeks because we have run into each other(have many mutual friends). Children do feel more secure when they know that their parents are happy and in a good and solid relationship. Your dream is trying to help you keep a decent relationship with the ex for the sake of the children, which is another reason why — and I hear this a lot — someone who’s divorced [might] hate their ex but keep dreaming they’re getting back together, or that they’re having sex [with their ex] even though they swear they would never do that again with that person. Remember that. Design by Tamara Alkais Designs. And that is 100% right. I simply cannot lose him. xx wednesday, […] http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/01/why-do-you-care-about-the-ex/comment-page-1/#comment-295 […]. And neat site, I came via Wednesday Martin! Clear editor. He’s just not man enough for me. Is My Ex Hurting Too: Signs He Is Hurting After The Break Up. She’s not attracted to you yet. You are wise to point out that space needs to be given to one’s husband and their ex-spouse so that they can communicate clearly about the needs and parenting of their children. 2. But when you don’t feel supported by your husband, and you have talked to him over and over about how you feel, it does put a whole new spin on things. Bye means bye. Anyone else want to share their successes and coping skills when bad stuff stuff happens? It is so easy to lose the sense of “us as a couple” in the middle of all the chaos. Maybe he thinks he’s doing the right thing. Hello there, I had experience same like you. And when you look at your stepkids, do you resent how much they look like and act like HER? my ex and I are still texting 3 months since our affair ended and shes trying again with the ex she broke up with to start our thing. There are many emotional reasons why this is common and hard to change. We all need to remember that the goal is to get the kids grown up and OUT of the house. That should be quite enough to show him. NC again. January 30, 2011 in Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend Relationships. Why Do I Care What My EX is Doing?! That’s a bitter pill. Often such extremely uncooperative and undermining ex wives have some type of undiagnosed disorder (such as borderline personality disorder) in which conflict is almost like oxygen in a fire–it fuels further conflict. I just deleted him AGAIN from fb and emailed him explaining I just cant be friends. Again, this is no small task and we all have had our “days” when we needed to back up and regroup and begin again with a different perspective. But more often than not, the ex-wife is not crazy and not dysfunctional, just as the stepmother is more often than not, not crazy and not dysfunctional. Display as a link instead, × I am stronger each day and KNOW very well he is not the one for me and has so many issues that are beyond my control. And you are letting it happen. I’ve always cringed when I heard the phrase “grow up” because it implies immaturity. Susan. January 26, 2010. He seems to wonder what I’m doing too. I haven't talked to my ex in almost a year. Well he did NOT like that email at all. Since an ex who wants you back is likely to do the opposite of what you expect, here are four real signs that he secretly wants you back. No one has the exclusive rights to Crazy! It’s much easier, and it feels much better to be angry at the ex and keep her in a hostile place in your heart. Good luck. Great ideas coming out here . Paste as plain text instead, × I must give him another chance! For many of us in remarriage, we can get so distracted by the children, ours and his, the ex-wife, our ex-husband, the cats, dogs, etc. I think that putting the focus on our own marriages is a great idea…the one thing I would say in rebuttal is that it is often the husband who brings the ex-wife into the current relationship. confused24, Others, who truly loved their ex, can't let go. And speaking of the ex-wife, I kicked her out of my head a long time ago. So the answer to the question, “Why do you Care About the Ex” is “because HE still cares about her.” That’s the piece that doesn’t feel good. You are right to point out that basically we all need to grow up and grow up quickly. Most of the stepmothers I know are older than 40 and I’d love to see some stats on us. I know I will run into him and I told him I wouldnt make anyone uncomfortable when that does happen. All rights reserved. Your ex’s reality is that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. In my work with remarried couples, almost 100% of the time they come in for help, it’s because there has been so much focus on the kids and the ex-spouses that the marriage relationship is in the tanker. His perception is it’s not working, and anything you say isn’t going to change his mind. It sounds as if you are NOT completely over him... Go NC until you are and this wont bother you at all. Have you ever thought about what your stepcouple relationship would be like if you didn’t obsess about the EX? Have cell-free hours during the week when you don’t have the kids, even if you’re home. And she is the psycho type…breaking into our home, cutting up my things, texting and calling my husband constantly, telling her sons lies about me when she doesn’t even know me, stopping by our home unexpected on holidays, etc. So while it may be fairly easy in some situations to ignore the ex herself, it is often almost impossible to ignore, or not be obsessed with, the alienated children, especially when they are abusive, angry, and violent. One time he asked me if I am talking to someone else. It is ever present. The stronger the stepcouple, the more support and love they have to raise his, hers and their children. He's just trying to hurt you more, and if he had any shame at all, he would not do so. Hi Elizabeth – I really do think the issues are different when we get into this decade, or at least they take a slightly different slant. I do have control of where my own focus lies, and it is with my husband. We broke up 6 weeks ago, been no contact for 3. One sentence really resonated […]. You are right to point out that some of the ex-wives are not healthy individuals. I have learned to let the kids’ mom just be — she is who she is, and I won’t ever be able to change her. Thanks Wednesday. Love this and agree, let’s stick to our own marriage. Sometimes, a guy might feel so bad about what happened between him and his ex girl that he may think to himself, “I’ll do anything to prove to her that I’m truly sorry for hurting her. I’m guessing that what you meant by this is that the marital relationship is yesterday’s news. Its been okay. Though I will run into him so will prob be awkward and weird again. It is so easy to get caught up in all the drama surrounding everyone else (my husband and I had only been married two months when his ex-moved, literally, across the street from us- yes, we can wave to her through out windows ), and lose sight of you, your marriage, and the love you have between you and your husband (which makes it all worthwhile ). Does my ex boyfriend not care about me and everything we had together anymore? Susan Wisdom Long Long story short, i was with my ex for 2.5 years. My partner’s ex was not an intrusive person and I have been able to ignore her existence pretty much: except that apparently she made two of her children into proxy warriors in her war against me and my partner. The kids pick up on it and feel torn, confused and angry. Breaking up with your ex can be a very trying time in your life. There was most likely a clear and definite need for the divorce. It is. Pasted as rich text. Breakup Advice: Why Do I Care What My Ex is Doing? Weekly date nights must be sacred. I wrote some of my own thoughts on where I’m at in OUR situation this past week on my site, would love your feedback. Until about a month ago, my partner wanted me to socialize with them, be friends with them, “blend” with them. So, that list includes . Wow! Thanks for sharing! Something maybe a bit perverse. […] read a post by Susan Wisdom called “Why Do You Care About the Ex?” which addresses the reasons why some StepMoms focus on the BioMom. Between lawsuits, alienation, disturbing phone calls, requests for money, etc. My question is, why does it bother me he is after so many girls? He didn’t care if I never saw or had a meal with the ones I got along with! They also feel inferior because they are not the “real” moms. What you say is true. Thanks for this much-needed perspective, Susan. The irony was that he only wanted me to socialize with the mean kids. Tell him, “I don’t want to resent HER, but please talk with me first. It's just the way it is. It's up to you to decide if you still care about them to try again or if you want to cut them loose completely. If we both need to move on, (which I already know he has, but Im struggling with) then we cant be friends. At first I was very hurt and depressed, missed him terribly, was counting on getting back together, and couldn't imagine ever being attracted to or dating anyone again. Vacations away with NO children are a must when one can afford them. So, now here I go. Being a strong marital team will help take care of this kind of ex-wife. Public displays of affection are good for children to see. I would welcome anyone’s tips–especially an expert like you–about just exactly HOW a woman with stepkids who is dealing with an uncooperative and/or undermining ex-wife can redirect her own focus in order to give energy to the stepcouple rather than the person producing static. http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/01/why-do-you-care-about-the-ex/comment-page-1/#comment-295, Why Do You Care About The Ex: A Clarification | Stepcoupling, What to Do When the BioMom Declares War « In the Blender. Whether your ex left you or you left your ex, it is highly possible that they still love you. Women in less dire circumstances, I really do think the issues are different we. Unconditional love for your ex, that feeling never goes away you to let you know they care. That some of the ex is Doing?, it ’ s it can them. The # 1 priority right to point out that some of them do n't need to show your is... I was going into peri-menopause be honest so that you ’ re truly sorry is… 2 sense “! 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